( 006 )

It’s when I’m standing six feet away from you and not being able to find the words to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you that I want to just scream to the whole room that I’m still in love with you. It’s when I’m sitting alone with the phone in my hand dialing your number and hanging up that I would trade a thousand tomorrows for just one yesterday. Then I could just call you to tell you goodnight. It’s when I am really sad about something and need someone to talk to that I realize you’re the only one who really knew me at all. It’s when I cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much I would give to hold you at that very moment. It’s when I think about you that I realize no one else in the world is meant for me.

- James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

All this time, I've been trying to tell you how unwanted I feel, how unneeded I feel by the world but you always brush me aside, brush my feelings away. And somehow, these days I feel as though it doesn't matter whether I'm around or not. I don't matter, it doesn't matter whether I'm around or not. Rather, when I am around, I just end up being an annoyance, a hindrance. I shouldn't even be here.

All these self doubts and negative thoughts were the same ones I thought I managed to get rid off a few years ago. In the end, it doesn't matter at all, does it? Whatever I say or do or feel. I'm just someone insignificant and nothing can ever change that fact. I thought I mattered, but in the end, it was not to be so. I'm alone, I always am and will always be. No matter how much I care for another or love another, nothing is given i return. I pour everything I am into the relationships I have with others but nothing comes out of them except dust. I try not to think of you, but you haunt my every waking moment. Why is it so hard to let go of this, the way you always do? Why can't you just let me be for awhile. I can't bring myself to turn my back to you so I walk behind.

I'm always left behind to wipe my tears away while you walk on ahead. And you never turn back to watch me. You never do. I'm always running breathlessly behind you, trying to hold on but you never wanted me. You never needed me. I'm always the one whose tears are running down my cheeks down to my pillow at night while you rest easy, never realizing how very much I'm hurt by you.