( 006 )

It’s when I’m standing six feet away from you and not being able to find the words to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you that I want to just scream to the whole room that I’m still in love with you. It’s when I’m sitting alone with the phone in my hand dialing your number and hanging up that I would trade a thousand tomorrows for just one yesterday. Then I could just call you to tell you goodnight. It’s when I am really sad about something and need someone to talk to that I realize you’re the only one who really knew me at all. It’s when I cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much I would give to hold you at that very moment. It’s when I think about you that I realize no one else in the world is meant for me.

- James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

All this time, I've been trying to tell you how unwanted I feel, how unneeded I feel by the world but you always brush me aside, brush my feelings away. And somehow, these days I feel as though it doesn't matter whether I'm around or not. I don't matter, it doesn't matter whether I'm around or not. Rather, when I am around, I just end up being an annoyance, a hindrance. I shouldn't even be here.

All these self doubts and negative thoughts were the same ones I thought I managed to get rid off a few years ago. In the end, it doesn't matter at all, does it? Whatever I say or do or feel. I'm just someone insignificant and nothing can ever change that fact. I thought I mattered, but in the end, it was not to be so. I'm alone, I always am and will always be. No matter how much I care for another or love another, nothing is given i return. I pour everything I am into the relationships I have with others but nothing comes out of them except dust. I try not to think of you, but you haunt my every waking moment. Why is it so hard to let go of this, the way you always do? Why can't you just let me be for awhile. I can't bring myself to turn my back to you so I walk behind.

I'm always left behind to wipe my tears away while you walk on ahead. And you never turn back to watch me. You never do. I'm always running breathlessly behind you, trying to hold on but you never wanted me. You never needed me. I'm always the one whose tears are running down my cheeks down to my pillow at night while you rest easy, never realizing how very much I'm hurt by you.

( 003 )

"But some of us awake in the night with strange phantasms of enchanted hills and gardens, of fountains that sing in the sun, of golden cliffs overhanging murmuring seas, of plains that stretch down to sleeping cities of bronze and stone, and of shadowy companies of heroes that ride caparisoned white horses along the edges of thick forests; and then we know that we have looked back through the ivory gates into that world of wonder which was ours before we were wise and unhappy."
- H.P. Lovecraft, Celephaïs

Why is it that even though I'm surrounded by hundreds of people, I still feel so alone? As I watch the crowds ebb and flow, watch them come and go, I just feel like I'm a tiny speck of sand on a beach. I'm just one insignificant being in the grand scheme of things and it's not a really nice feeling to have. I used to feel important, like I meant something to someone at least, but these days I feel more like a burden instead of a joy to have and hold.

There are 4 billion people in the world. Can someone please explain why despite so, I still feel so very alone? Yet at the same time, there's another person's heart beating in sync with mine, sharing the same connection. I've known you for about 3 years now and we've been more than friends for 2 and a half years. I don't know how you do it but when I'm around you, I never feel alone, I never feel unwanted nor unneeded. I can just go to you for anything and know that you'll be there to wrap your arms around me and wipe the tears from my eyes. I need you in the way people need the bones in their body; for support and protection.

There are times when we disagree, there are times when we don't see eye to eye on things. Yet throughout this time spent together, you've never given up on me even when I was at my lowest points or burst my happy bubbles when I was being silly. I still don't really know what you see in me, but thank you for everything, my love. I'm glad that we met each other and always tried to work things out instead of running away at the first sight of problems. I've said it once and I'll say it again; you're the one and only for me.

I love you and I always will.

( 002 )

"I've tried to say it a thousand different ways. I've tried twisting the words inside out and doubling them back over onto themselves. I've tried coming up with words in different languages, because maybe they have words for this thing (I couldn't say what it is) that we're missing in this one. I've tried saying the same words over and over again in hopes that this time they'll mean what I want them to mean. I've tried writing it down and spelling it out and stressing each syllable across intercontinental static. I've filled up pages and pages of paper with what I'm trying to say, but never with what I mean to say.
Maybe it annoyed you in the end. Maybe I should just stop."
- Loren Barnes

I wish I could remember what it feels like to be truly happy once again. I can't seem to recall the last time when I put my whole heart into something, can't remember the last time I had a true, heartfelt smile. It's easy to say that I should be happy, but try as I may, I just can't work up the energy to smile blissfully any longer. Everyone keeps having expectations of me, of the way I should act and the way I should be and I just can't live up to those expectations. And even so, I don't even know what I want for myself, what makes me feel better.

I used to think that you'd make me feel better, take the pain away and make me laugh once more but now do I realise; in the end, I am alone without anyone to truly rely on. I can't keep going on this way. I need to try and find my spark again, try to remember what used to make me smile and tying myself to everything just does not help. Out of 4 million other hearts, I had to choose yours to bind with mine. Is it for the better or for the worse? I don't know any longer. I love you with every breath I take, with every thump of my still-beating heart but is love enough? We live in a world made of glass and each day another person falls and shatters. I feel so lonely at times, my heart seems to be jumping out of my chest into my throat and choking the breath from my lungs. I can't function properly in life; I can't seem to do anything right.

I just feel so lost. What is the point of anything anyway? In the end we just fall apart into pieces. I don't know what my goals in life are, I don't remember the meaning of what I'm doing. It feels like I'm in a rut, a cycle that I cannot break out of and I don't understand myself anymore. I keep questioning everything with no answers in sight and even though I feel so blank and unfilled, I don't have the energy to keep fighting everything. I don't have the energy to try and convince you to be there for me, to be the one I can rely on. In the end, you always leave me behind.