( 002 )

"I've tried to say it a thousand different ways. I've tried twisting the words inside out and doubling them back over onto themselves. I've tried coming up with words in different languages, because maybe they have words for this thing (I couldn't say what it is) that we're missing in this one. I've tried saying the same words over and over again in hopes that this time they'll mean what I want them to mean. I've tried writing it down and spelling it out and stressing each syllable across intercontinental static. I've filled up pages and pages of paper with what I'm trying to say, but never with what I mean to say.
Maybe it annoyed you in the end. Maybe I should just stop."
- Loren Barnes

I wish I could remember what it feels like to be truly happy once again. I can't seem to recall the last time when I put my whole heart into something, can't remember the last time I had a true, heartfelt smile. It's easy to say that I should be happy, but try as I may, I just can't work up the energy to smile blissfully any longer. Everyone keeps having expectations of me, of the way I should act and the way I should be and I just can't live up to those expectations. And even so, I don't even know what I want for myself, what makes me feel better.

I used to think that you'd make me feel better, take the pain away and make me laugh once more but now do I realise; in the end, I am alone without anyone to truly rely on. I can't keep going on this way. I need to try and find my spark again, try to remember what used to make me smile and tying myself to everything just does not help. Out of 4 million other hearts, I had to choose yours to bind with mine. Is it for the better or for the worse? I don't know any longer. I love you with every breath I take, with every thump of my still-beating heart but is love enough? We live in a world made of glass and each day another person falls and shatters. I feel so lonely at times, my heart seems to be jumping out of my chest into my throat and choking the breath from my lungs. I can't function properly in life; I can't seem to do anything right.

I just feel so lost. What is the point of anything anyway? In the end we just fall apart into pieces. I don't know what my goals in life are, I don't remember the meaning of what I'm doing. It feels like I'm in a rut, a cycle that I cannot break out of and I don't understand myself anymore. I keep questioning everything with no answers in sight and even though I feel so blank and unfilled, I don't have the energy to keep fighting everything. I don't have the energy to try and convince you to be there for me, to be the one I can rely on. In the end, you always leave me behind.